FOUR EMINENTLY DESTRUCTIVE ROMANTIC MYTHS


This article was authored by MARGARET RUTH at THE HUFFINGTON POST

I never do this.

This site is devoted to film, glamour and various portions of the entertainment industry…

It doesn’t exactly function as advice to the lovelorn.

But every now and then you read an article that possesses such elemental truths, such stunning clarity, such profound intelligence and plain good sense that you have no choice but to put it up.

Pay attention, boys and girls. I’ll be having a quiz on all this stuff tomorrow.

God help you if you fail. No chocolate chip cookies for you…

To demonstrate how to restate falsehoods into actual and true statements, I am going to start by testing some commonly held beliefs and some of the most pervasive and damaging notions surrounding romantic relationships (since these cause the worst problems) and restating them to reflect truth.

HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MYTH #1: YOU COMPLETE ME

Or, in other words…

Falling in love makes a person whole.

If I love you enough, you will feel better.

If you love me enough, I will feel better.

This implies that a person cannot feel whole without another loving them.

This is completely incorrect.

Does it make logical sense that we must be loved by others in order to feel complete? This is very bad news for loners and single people. It is also not true at all spiritually and metaphysically because each individual consciousness is already perfectly whole. It is psychically impossible for others to complete us. The only person who can make us whole is our self.

What is true is that some people benefit from the support and assistance of someone who loves them. On the other hand, because there are many counterexamples of individuals who never seem to get or feel better – no matter how much they are loved and assisted – we know that loving someone does not automatically help get them happier or healthier.

What is also true is that the more complete and whole we are, the better our connections with others. The causal arrow runs that way: first we are healthy and then we have healthy relationships. First we are happy and then we have happy relationships.

This misstatement then can be restated into this true statement: No one can complete another. However, love and support can be beneficial and life enhancing.

HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MYTH #2: RELATIONSHIPS TAKE (EXHAUSTING) WORK

The truth of the above statement hinges on what the speaker means by the word work.

Some relationships have trouble running smoothly. Mediocre relationships often need some drudgery to keep them going. These are like bad cars that keep breaking down and need constant repair.

Sure, yes, the vast majority of people have less than fabulous relationships that require a certain amount of laborious effort to maintain. And these folks want to tell you that this is normal!

Relationships Take Work usually translates to: In order to keep many relationships going, you have to do a lot of pushing and repairing and ignoring and…

On the other hand…

There are plenty of wonderful, happy, healthy connections that do not take grinding amounts of toil to keep them running. They only take attention and maintenance. So, if the word work in the statement implies drudgery and exhausting toil, then the statement is false. If the word work means paying attention and applying effort toward positive maintenance and upkeep, then it is true.

So, what’s really true is: Healthy, joyful relationships take attention and effort to keep them running well. Not exhausting toil and arduous drudgery. If a relationship is constantly breaking down, that is not ok just because it is normal.

HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MYTH #3: RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE COMPROMISE

If you are currently in or are contemplating a relationship that requires you to sacrifice or compromise something important to you, you do not have a perfectly happy or healthy relationship.

Excellent, healthy relationships do not require any kind of a major compromise on the part of either person.

People use this myth as an excuse to accept less than what they really want in their important voluntary relationships – like romances – in order to feel seemingly safe. No one however has ever been made emotionally safe by compromising what s/he really wanted or negating essential aspects of the self.

What is true is that great relationships seem to thrive on cooperation. These often exhibit the spirit of mutually beneficial support and vision. People who care for you – the authentic you – will not ask you to compromise who you are and what is important to you to make them happy.

What is really true: Relationships seem to thrive on cooperation. But someone who loves the authentic you will never ask you to compromise important parts of yourself.

HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP MYTH #4: NO ONE IS PERFECT

This has many guises…

No relationship is perfect.

It’s unrealistic to expect a perfect relationship.

And the worst…

Since I’m not perfect, I won’t get/deserve a perfect relationship or a perfect partner/friend.

Many of us were taught to believe that our permanent life job is to fix our virtually uncountable personal flaws. Personal insidious flaws are shown to us constantly on air brushed magazine covers, advertising and television. And apparently these flaws keep others from wanting to befriend us, date us, or – and this is the most frightening – mate with us.

What is true, metaphysically, is that there is some flawed person out there that could very well be perfect for you.

There are men and women out there who look like magazine models, are living luxurious lifestyles and/or have various athletic trophies to their names. They may or may not connect with you.

But there are also many people who possess none of those qualities and they could still be wonderful possible mates because of their great sense of humour or adorable smiles. They are perfect in the way they fit the type of relationship that you genuinely desire.

The other good news is that you – whether you have ever graced a magazine cover or not – could be perfect for them.

True Restatement: There are people out there who will be perfect friends and mates for you…and you for them.

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